Federalism Video Script

Dramatis Personae

Arkansas: Cristin Yaxley

Bartender: Elisabeth Adams

California: Amy Pope

Hawaii: Megan Burke

South Dakota: Sarah Simmons

Federalism InAction-- the Pierre J. Capretz Method

[Four states walk into a bar.]

[Ouch.]

[You'd think the last one would've seen what happened to the other three]

HI: Aloha!

SD: Howdy

CA: 'Sup!

AR: I revert to my former statement.

Bar: Would the aforementioned parties, hereinafter referred to as "states", or "you deadbeats", depending, require, demand, desire, or feel ambivalently towards the prospect of ingesting, imbibing, inhaling, staring morosely at, or otherwise utilizing any alcoholic beverage type substances, hereinafter referred to as "drinks"?

HI: I'll have a piña colada

SD: Jug o' sour mash'll do fine by me

AR: I revert to my former statement.

Bar: Corn whiskey, and you?

CA: Yo quiero tequila sunrise.

SD: What the [bleep]? Why don't you speak American?

HI: That's right. I thought you were against foreign languages since you got rid of bilingual

education in public schools.

CA: I don't care how many Californians speak Spanish. I can do whatever I want as far as bilingual

education is concerned! Isn't that right, Arkansas?

AR: I revert to my former statement.

Bar: Actually, according to the principles of federalism, as elaborated in the posted constitution, which all patrons of this establishment will observe, it is forbidden for the federal government, hereinafter referred to as "the wise, benevolent bartender", or "me", to usurp, swipe, siphon off, distort, or otherwise alter the rights reserved to the Several States or to the people. It is also forbidden for the "said" states to obstruct, whine, throw tantrums, or otherwise hinder the federal government from carrying out the functions inherent to my position or delegated to "me" by said piece of parchment on said "wall".

Here are your "drinks". The base price of each being levelled, extorted, imposed, or otherwise demanded by the federal government, hereinafter referred to as "taxes", on the principle of TANSTAAFL, or "there ain't no such thing as a free lunch", comes to $43.21. Please add your individual state sales taxes.

SD: Ah think mine is 6%

HI: I only pay 4%. How much is yours, California?

CA: [mumble mumble]stupid illegal aliens [mumble] save the whales [mumble mumble] 7.75%.

AR: I did not have...

All: Wrong video!

AR: I apologize. There is no fancy way to say that I have sinned. [holds sign saying, " 4.625%"]

Bar: Then that comes to $45.21 for Arkansas, $46.56 for California, $44.94 for Hawaii, and $4,680.32 for South Dakota.

SD: Hey, now wait a second.

Bar: According to the Supremacy clause of "said" constitution, in conflicts of interest I win. But if you've got a problem, take it up with the Supreme Court. [points to bathroom, with hastily thrown up sign declaring: The Court is IN] I only work here. [turns back to polishing glasses]

SD: Say, that's a right nice bunch of flowers you got there, Hawaii. Why the purty rainbow?

HI: That's because Hawaii is the only state to allow gay marriages.

SD: What the $%&*#? That legal?

AR: I revert to my former statement.

CA: Hey, I allow "medical" marijuana!

[Words are exchanged. A brawl erupts.][Camera fades, noises of scuffle heard]

Heard in din: "I'll kill you, you Yankee bastard!"

[camera opens on all four states attempting to strangle each other]

Bar: [mutters] The last time we had a brawl between states I won. [louder] I used this before and I'll use it again! [holds up Emancipation Proclamation, alias Frederick the rubber chicken, menacingly] [when states don't stop brawling, starts thwacking them]

CA: [jumps up to help bartender before getting thwacked] Preserve the Union! [raises something above head, starts making war whoops; has obviously imbibed a tad too much beverage type substance.]

[Everyone stares at California]

CA: [looks abashed] uhh... oops...

Bar: There, there, shut up.

[All states look apologetically at each other]

HI, SD, and CA: [almost in unison] I'm sorry. [look expectantly at Arkansas]

AR: I am not going to apologize. This is just partisan politics and an attempt to bring me down.

[Bartender points warningly with "Frederick" at the "constitution".]

AR: Hey, I own you, you Federalist bastard #10! [runs off toward "Supreme Court"; sounds of... well, let's just say that the good state of Arkansas had also imbibed a bit too much beverage type substance lately...]

Bar: Division of powers, you gotta love it! [shakes head ruefully, returns to polishing glasses]

Exeunt Omnis

SD: [pokes head back in] Hey, who's he? And why doesn't he have any lines?